Bullying - School violence

Whether a child is the victim of name calling or physical abuse, bullying is devastating to a child's self esteem.

Is your child the victim of bullying? Sometimes the signs are hard to spot, but kids who avoid school, complain of stomach aches or headaches, change their route to or from school, come home disheveled or missing possessions, may be victims.

Bullying in schools is a worldwide problem that can have negative consequences for the general school climate and for the right of students to learn in a safe environment without fear. Bullying can also have negative lifelong consequences--both for students who bully and for their victims.

"If your child tells you he is being bullied then it's very important to believe your child, to learn more about the situation and become a very good listener, even if your child just insinuates that something is happening." It's important not to over-emotionalize your response because children will feel responsible for, and overwhelmed by your emotions, and in turn will try to minimize the bullying. So stay on a very even keel.

And don't expect your child to come home sporting a black eye as proof of bullying. It isn't always physical. Emotional bullying like name calling and threats, and social bullying like exclusion, can totally undermine a child or youth's self esteem. While both boys and girls use these bullying tactics, it is more common among girls. 

"Because girls are typically more verbal than boys, there seems to be more of a leaning towards verbal violence and intimidation and behavior that is intimidating, particularly exclusionary. And that has to do with being able to put things into words. Boys are more direct. They'll just smack you."

when a girl is bullied, she finds herself at the receiving end of nasty gossip and rumors. "They will create factions, groups or small cliques. And they will begin to character assassinate by creating rumors and gossip and building a consensus that a particular girl is in the wrong and deserves to be beaten and have retaliation. At the very least this will show up as exclusion or shunning. A girl will come to school and suddenly find herself excluded from a group that she once found she belonged to and she won't be told what it's about."

No matter what type of bullying is being carried out and no matter whether it's being perpetrated by a boy or a girl,

Parents must step in and "work closely with good allies, perhaps a good school counselor, principal or vice-principal who is enlightened, and begin to work in a concerted way. And stay with it until you've found a conclusion you can live with."

Understanding Family Relationship Problems

One of the most difficult matters to confront with respect to family relationships is that you don’t control the entire relationship yourself. Whether the relationship thrives or withers isn’t up to you alone. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

When major family relationship problems are encountered, it’s common to attempt a control strategy. You try to get the other person to change. Sometimes this approach works, especially if your request and the other person are both reasonable. But many times it just leads to frustration.

On the other hand, if you can’t change the other person, maybe you should just accept them as they are. That’s another strategy that sometimes works, but this one can also lead to frustration and even resentment if your needs aren’t being met.

There is, however, a third alternative for those times when changing the other person and accepting the other person as-is are both unworkable for you. And that option is to change yourself in a way that solves the problem. This requires that you redefine the problem as an internal one instead of an external one, and then the solution will take the form of an expansion of your awareness and/or a change in your beliefs.

An internal way of viewing relationship problems is that they reflect back to you a part of yourself that you dislike. If you have a negative external relationship situation, it’s a reflection of a conflict in your own thinking. As long as you keep looking outside yourself for the answer, you may never resolve the external problem. But once you start looking inside yourself for the problem, it may become easier to solve.

What you’ll find when you tackle such problems is that you harbor one or more beliefs that perpetuate the relationship problem in its current form. Those beliefs are the real problem — the true cause of the unhealthy relationship.

For example, consider a problematic relationship between yourself and another family member. Suppose you hold the belief that you must be close to every family member simply because they’re related to you. Perhaps you’d never tolerate this person’s behavior if it came from a stranger, but if the person is a relative, then you tolerate it out of a sense of duty, obligation, or your personal concept of family. To push a family member out of your life might cause you to feel guilty, or it could lead to a backlash from other family members. But genuinely ask yourself, “Would I tolerate this behavior from a total stranger? Why do I tolerate it from a family member then?” Exactly why have you chosen to continue the relationship instead of simply kicking the person out of your life? What are the beliefs that perpetuate the problematic relationship? And are those beliefs really true for you?

I love my parents. I don’t recall anyone in my family ever saying, “I love you,” while I grew up. Even though this is the family I grew up with and shared many memories, our core values are so different now that it just doesn’t feel like a meaningful family relationship anymore.

Despite all these differences, we’re all on good terms with each other and get along fairly well, but our differences create such a big gap that we have to settle for being relatives without being close friends.

If you operate under the belief that family is forever and that you must remain loyal to all your relatives and spend lots of time with them, I want you to know that those beliefs are your choice, and you’re free to embrace them or release them. If you’re fortunate enough to have a close family that is genuinely supportive of the person you’re becoming, that’s wonderful, and in that situation, you’ll likely find the closeness of your family to be a tremendous source of strength. Then your loyalty to family closeness will likely be very empowering.

On the other hand, if you find yourself with family relationships that are incompatible with your becoming your highest and best self, then excessive loyalty to your family is likely to be extremely disempowering. You’ll only be holding yourself back from growing, from achieving your own happiness and fulfillment, and from potentially doing a lot of good for others. If I retained a very close relationship with my birth family, it would be like putting a lampshade over my spirit. I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

My way of dealing with my family situation was to broaden my definition of family. On one level I feel an unconditional connection with all human beings, but on another level, I see people with whom I share a deep compatibility as my true family. When I see people who are living very, very consciously and deliberately and who’ve dedicated their lives to the pursuit of a worthy purpose, I have a strong sense that on some level, those people are members of my family. And this connection feels more real to me than the blood relationships I was born into.

Loyalty is a worthy value, but what does it mean to be loyal to one’s family? Since loyalty is very important to me, I had to refine my view of this concept to place loyalty to my highest and best self above loyalty to the people I was born with. That was a difficult mental shift to make, but in the long run it has given me a sense of peace. I realize now that family is a concept which is capable of extending far beyond blood.

What I’m suggesting is that in order to solve family relationship problems, which exist at one level of awareness, you may need to pop your consciousness up a level and take a deeper look at your values, beliefs, and your definitions of terms like loyalty and family. Once you resolve those issues at the higher level, the low level relationship problems will tend to take care of themselves. Either you’ll transcend the problems and find a new way to continue your relationship without conflict, or you’ll accept that you’ve outgrown the relationship in its current form and give yourself permission to move on to a new definition of family.

You see… when you say goodbye to a problematic relationship issue, you’re really saying goodbye to an old part of yourself that you’ve outgrown. As I became less compatible with my birth family, I also gradually dropped parts of myself that no longer served me. I drifted away from rigid religious dogma, from fear of risk-taking, from eating animals, from negativity, and from being unable to say, “I love you.” As I let all of those things pass from my consciousness, my external-world relationships changed to reflect my new internal relationships.

As within, so without. If you hold onto conflict-ridden relationships in your life, the real cause is your inner attachment to conflict-ridden thoughts. When you alter the mental relationships within your own mind, your physical world will change to reflect it. So if you kick negative thoughts out of your head, you will find yourself simultaneously kicking negative people out of your life.

There is a wonderful rainbow at the end of this process of letting go, however. And that is that when you resolve conflicts in your consciousness that cause certain relationships to weaken, you simultaneously attract new relationships that resonate with your expanded level of consciousness.

We attract into our lives more of what we already are. If you don’t like the social situation you find yourself in, stop broadcasting the thoughts that attract it. Identify the nature of the external conflicts you experience, and then translate them into their internal equivalents. For example, if a family member is too controlling of you, translate that problem into your own internal version: You feel your life is too much out of your control. When you identify the problem as external, your attempted solutions may take the form of trying to control other people, and you’ll meet with strong resistance. But when you identify the problem as internal, it’s much easier to solve.

If another person exhibits controlling behavior towards you, you may be unable to change that person. However, if you feel you need more control in your life, then you can actually do something about it directly without needing to control others.

I’ll actually go so far as to say that the purpose of human relationships may be the expansion of consciousness itself. Through the process of identifying and resolving relationship problems, we’re forced to deal with our internal in congruencies. And as we become more conscious on the inside, our relationships expand towards greater consciousness on the outside.

Stop complaining....

 

Have you ever thought of complaining as a habit? Complaining is actually an addictive behavior. One complaint leads to another and another. After enough complaints your mind begins to desire and crave those thoughts.

It's very similar to the way your body works with other things such as food, exercise and even drugs. If you eat healthy foods and exercise regularly your body will want more of that. If you eat junk food and your only exercise is pushing the buttons on the remote then your body will crave that as well.

How much more true is this for drugs and other stimulants? If you are used to a daily caffeine fix what happens when you skip a day or decide to go cold turkey? Your body will fight back, you will probably get headaches, you will be tired and grouchy and perhaps even get the shakes depending on how much your body craves the caffeine.

Complaining can actually become a habit that can get so bad that it can ruin relationships. If you make a habit of complaining you will find that people won't want to be around you. You might even find that you don't want to be around yourself.

If you have ever spent time with someone who makes a habit of complaining I'm sure that eventually you did not want to spend much time with them. I know that I don't enjoy spending time with people who want to find the one little thing to complain about in every situation that comes their way.

One problem that people run into with complaining is that they believe that they can't stop complaining. They hold one or more false beliefs:

* They believe that the way they see things is reality and that any other thinking is belittling

* They believe that they have no control over their thoughts

* They believe that they are stuck in this pattern and feel helpless to get out

The good news is that as with any other habit or addiction it can be beat! As with anything worthwhile it will take some effort but it will be well worth it! There was a point in my life when I was certainly a chronic complainer and it took effort and work but I can tell you without a doubt that it was more than worth it. I would not want to go back to my complaining mindset for anything! What a miserable place to be.

Steps to kick that habit to the curb:

1. Accept Responsibility for Your Thoughts. You are not a victim to your thoughts, they do not control you - you control them!

2. Call The Thoughts What They Are. As soon as you recognize a negative thought passing through your mind or your mouth stop and call it out as a negative or complaining thought. It will lose some power just by being named.

3. Throw Away Negative and Complaining Thoughts. After you have named the thought discard it and don't let it back into your mind even if it tries to come back, which it may very well do.

4. Replace it With a Positive Thought. The negative thoughts will have a much harder time returning if they have been replaced by something better. If it hasn't been replaced it may even come back with some of it's buddies giving you an even harder time.

5. Focus on the Positive Thoughts. Repeat them to yourself at least five times but as many times as necessary. Don't just say them once and think that you are done with that negative thought. You will really need to focus on them and you will need to believe them over the negative thoughts.

6. Keep Positive Thoughts Written Down. Be prepared! Write down some positive thoughts on note cards and keep them close by. You know what negative thoughts you struggle with the most, come up with positive thoughts that will fight the thoughts you know you struggle with the most.

7. Rinse and Repeat. Keep it up each and every time that you have a negative thought and complaint. Keep in mind that the hardest work will be at the beginning. Once you build this habit of positive thinking this whole process will become natural! That's when the hard work pays off!

You can do it! You can have all new thoughts and feel like a new person if you diligently follow these steps! Also, don't beat yourself up if you fail. Failure is not permanent. Dust yourself off and start over again!

M°

Never Give Up

Maybe you are experiencing a very tough time. These days that isn't unusual. We have uncertain financial times at every level of government, banks and financial institutions have collapsed or merged, major military conflicts in several parts of the world, and we all see people we know who are unemployed or financially traumatized. And then we layer our personal challenges on top of these. The result is these are times can appear to be so tough that every fiber of your being may be wanting to give in and just wail out loud. What to do? Giving up isn't an option!

If you have faith in a higher power, you will find it easier to be strong and not give in to the despair that the daily news strives to foment or give up and just sit around in a depressed stupor. I use my faith as a shield to fight off the negative thoughts, toxic environments, and mental vampires who knowingly or unknowingly suck the life out of your dreams. With abiding faith, your greatness asserts itself and you tell the world you will never ever give in to failure.

My Approach

Be moral – the end does not justify the means.  If you operate under a moral and ethical code through the tough times you will be in a better position not only to defend against negative influences but also to succeed without baggage that weighs down your conscious.

Have a method or approach – have a way to operate and systematically move toward your goals and objectives.

Have the means – prepare yourself for change by gathering the appropriate resources to resist down times or begin a new journey.

Be a good manager – just because your dreams have come true doesn't mean you don't have to manage the blessing.  If you don't manage the blessing the chances are it will evaporate, leaving you wondering just what in the world just happened.

Let everyone else give up but not you.  Recall those famous works spoken by Gene Kranz during the Apollo 13 mission, "Failure is not an option."

By the way – I know this approach works because I haven't always used it and the opposite didn't work well at all.

It is easy to get depressed and worried in the following situations. Let's say you were fired, passed over for promotion, fell behind in a race, got a bad news call, work in a negative environment, lost your business, or going through a divorce. These are all tough times, but none of them should have the ability to completely floor you. Instead, look for opportunities to learn from these experiences, re-visit your faith and then tell yourself that you will be back because you will not give up!  You intend to be strong and courageous and work it out to your best advantage.

Living to work or Working to live

I remember the long hours I would work when I was in corporate Singapore to obtain nice things and live a "successful life." The challenge in all ofthis was my reality of arriving at work when the sun was coming up and leavingright before or simultaneously as the sun was going down. I was like a welloiled machine programmed to operate in a system of revolving situations thatwere beneficial to my corporate powers that be and detrimental to my internalwell-being. I often wondered what the point of all of my hard work was...Did Iwork for money? Did I work to acquire things? Did I work because it waspurpose? or...Did I work because that is what a college educated Singaporeis suppose to do?

I pondered these questions often realizing more and more with each passingday that I was working for things I couldn't enjoy because I was too busy.There is nothing wrong with having nice things and working to provide, but whenthe process has more value than the product something is wrong. Simply put whenworking to provide becomes your life instead of supports your life, there isdefinitely something off balance.

 

I was living to work instead of working to live. This is a predicament thatmany of us find ourselves in. We work so hard to provide for our families thatwe rarely get to spend time with them. The process has become more importantthan the product. What is the product?

The product that is the end result from the process of working hard shouldbe a more enjoyable life. It should consist of more time with the family, moreenjoyment for those you love and more time for the things you are passionateabout. Too often, this is not the case.

M

I QUIT!!!

How to quit smoking with drugs? This post is dedicated to all you those who think that quitting smoking with drugs is a good solution to get rid of this life killing addiction. Many people still don’t understand that the problem of smoking is making the human kind more ill each and every day. Cancer is one of the most wide spread disease related problems that literally murders thousands of innocent people almost every year. So what can be done about it? If talking seriously, there are too many different kinds of interests that make the cigarette and tobacco market extremely profitable. It’s impossible to make the smoking addiction disappear once and for all from this world.

However, the other part of the smoking puzzle is also growing extremely large with the new health market products which make quitting smoking much easy and claim that the unique and only answer for this is acquiring the latest quit smoking pill, getting the awesome quit smoking medication and generally buying all the quit smoking drugs when they are possible to be acquire on this market. In my opinion this is extremely naive. People have to understand that the real solutions about quitting smoking is hidden in one’s desire to change something about his or her life, not in the so called ultimate product that can ease your pain.

Cravings are something natural when trying to quit smoking. If you are a serious smoker and while trying to make this addiction go away by reducing the nicotine dose on a daily basis and you simply don’t feel any cravings it means that something is terribly wrong because a normal person would simply die off some incredible pain that is making one go nuts. No folks, I’m not trying to scare you I just want to say that quitting smoking has to be hard in order for that person to realize the big step that he or she is actually making. It can be easy, because if getting rid of tobacco addiction would be so simple than coming back to it would be as easy as quitting so there must be a great balance in order to produce the necessary harmony.

So why do you think that people continue to purchase quit smoking drugs so often, especially on the internet? Do they actually believe in all that is being told to them about the huge effects that are going to help every smoker out there quit smoking without experiencing at least the basic nuances of cravings? Well, I can’t surely say much about this but it seems so. People actually are afraid to take important decisions in their life and when doing something that important as overcoming the tobacco addiction then just want to secure their success and not to feel any pain. Being afraid is not an option and you should be that person that understands it if you want to succeed in your smoking cessation attempts. You should be paying more attention to natural ways to quit smoking.

That’s why most drugs to help you quit smoking are probably going to reduce the usual pain that a smoker is feeling, but won’t solve the whole addiction problem in the long run. I would like to suggest that before purchasing any quit smoking drugs you have to carefully analyze all the secondary effects about that particular medication. Search for reviews on the internet because you’ll be surprised about how people write about these issues. Those who are trying to sell you stuff will be hyping it up like always but you can also stumble upon many different honest reviews that will show you the right way. Anyway, quitting smoking is about not giving up and continuing to struggle until success

What’s It Going to Take to Make You Happy?

I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately. What does it take to be a happy person? Obviously the answer is going to be different for each person, but what worries me is that, as far as I can tell, most people don’t even ask – and those that do don’t have a very good answer.

Ask someone what would make them happy, and their answer is likely to be pretty vague. “A good career”,” they might say. Or, “Family.” “A strong relationship with my partner,” they might add after a moment’s reflection.
There’s nothing wrong with these things, of course, but there’s not much meat to them as answers. They don’t give us much to chew on – which is to say, they’re not really actionable.

And I think that’s because we don’t give much thought to the question. Maybe we’re a little suspicious of the very concept of “being happy”. After all, our grandparents/parents/[insert fabled ancestors here] came to this country with nothing and scraped and toiled to build a better life for themselves – they didn’t sit around thinking about whether or not they were happy. They were miserable and they liked it!

There’s no dignity in happiness, not in this worldview anyway. Happiness is frivolous, fleeting, ephemeral. Dignity is found in the grave and serious, not the frolicking and joyful.

There’s another reason I think we aren’t willing to face the question of what makes us happy: we’re afraid that the answer will prove to be something out of our grasp. Maybe you need a million dollars to be happy, and you only have $3.62. Maybe you need a better job than you’re capable of holding, or a bigger house than you can afford, or a prettier wife or more handsome husband, or better-behaved children. Maybe you need to be smarter, better-looking, more outgoing, taller, healthier, more disciplined, thinner… someone else

I don’t buy it. There are unhappy people in all walks of life. If it were brains, there wouldn’t be unhappy smart people – and there are. If it were money, there wouldn’t be unhappy rich people – and boy are there! If it were looks, there wouldn’t be unhappy beautiful people – and Marilyn Monroe wouldn’t have taken her own life.

And vice versa – there are unhappy dumb people, poor people, and ugly people as well. Just as there are happy rich people, happy poor people, happy dumb people, happy smart people, happy beautiful people, happy ugly people – happy people of every stripe.

What makes them so special?
I think the answer has to be self-knowledge – facing the question of what it will take to be happy head on. It’s obviously not something external to us that “makes” us happy; we make our own happiness. But it’s not so simple as just deciding to be happy. We make our happiness by determining what it will take, according to our own individual taste and character, to be happy, and chasing after those things and only those things.

Maybe you need to be rich to be happy – that’s the kind of person you are. Or maybe you just need to be comfortable, to not have to worry. Or, quite possibly, you need the edge of poverty to come really alive – stranger things have happened! You can’t know if you’re not willing – or not able – to face yourself and figure out what money means to you. Not whether rich people are shallow or profound, whether poor people are lazy or victimized by a social system that needs poverty to secure cheap labor – but what money means to you.
Or maybe you need a different job. But what job? Maybe you need to move – but to where? Maybe you need to get healthier – but how? In what way?
The trick here is to move beyond empty platitudes and hollow stereotypes and really look at our own lives. That’s where happiness starts to take root.

Your assignment – and mine, too – is to figure all this out, to sit down with a pad and paper and start writing out our answer to the question: what’s it going to take to make me happy? Be specific – what exactly do you want from life? How is each thing on your list supposed to help you create happiness in your life? Most important, are you sure these are your answers, and not society’s, not your friends’, not your parents’? It’s so easy to internalize everyone else’s talk about what makes people happy – but the proof’s in the pudding: are they happy? If not, what are you doing listening to them.

Sit down, write your list, and tuck it away somewhere safe. Then go out and do the things on your list, and let me know how that works out for you. Let’s see if we can’t all figure this out for ourselves, ok?
Regards
Stanly

Each day is a gift..

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully
dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with her hair fashionably coifed
and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to
a nursing home today.

Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,
she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been
hung on her window. “I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an
eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen the room …. just wait.”
“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied.
“Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my
room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged, it’s how I
arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make
every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in
bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no
longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I’ll focus on the new
day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away, just for this time in
my life.”

She went on to explain, “Old age is like a bank account, you withdraw
from what you’ve put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot
of happiness in the bank account of memories Thank you for your part in
filling my Memory bank.
I am still depositing.”

And with a smile, she said:
“Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.”

Keys To A Better Love Life

I recently asked 5 of the most successful couples I know for their best advice on how to create a fantastic love life. They laughed at first. They thought I was asking about sex. I assured them I wasn’t. I wanted to know what they’d done to keep their love alive for 100+ combined years of life together.

What came next surprised, inspired, and frustrated me all at once. These ideas were so simple, so straightforward. Why weren’t more couples putting them to use in their own relationships? Richard, happily “living in sin” with Debbie for 39 years, said it best. “Most people just don’t seem to care enough to put a bit of effort into their relationship every day.”

If you really do care then you’ll have what it takes to put the following concepts to use and reap the benefits. In spite of all the complexity that love serves up, these keys will make short work of adding joy to your relationship.

1. Ask For Praise
Expecting your partner to notice things without prompting is often very unfair and can lead to resentment. Keep the beast away by speaking up and bringing attention to things you’d like your partner to notice. If you’ve done something you’d like your partner to take notice of, say something! Got your hair did? Say something! Fixed the dining room table so it doesn’t teeter? Say something!

You did this instinctively when you were a child. Remember running up to a parent or guardian and asking them to look at a picture you’d colored or cape you’d made out of an expensive tablecloth? For most of us, the response was one of amazement (if a bit contrived) and vocal appreciation for our obvious talents.

You’re not so very different now. You still love to be praised when you’ve done well. Even if it’s something you should have done earlier in the week or missed a detail on. How to get that praise? Ask for it and agree to give it when your partner asks you for some appreciation. You know not to crush a child’s spirit by ignoring their efforts to impress you. Are you as smart about your partner?

2. In Everything, Give Thanks
Say “Thank You” and make an effort to regularly demonstrate your genuine gratefulness for all your partner does for you. There are going to be times when this will seem an impossible chore. Perhaps you’ll be furious with your partner over something or other and they’ll point out something they did, hoping for praise. How will you respond? Will you offer your praise and thanks then deal with your anger separately? Or will you close up like a shell and torture your partner with inconsolable silence?

You care about making your relationship work so I expect you’ll swallow your momentary pride and say thank you. After all, your partner deserves at least the same courtesy you’d give to a complete stranger. When you cannot be gracious, be polite. Make a habit of offering thanks to your partner, even for the tiniest of things, and a sapling of thankfulness will grow into something strong enough to support you both.

3. Schedule Time For Each Other
If you were worried about killing spontaneous romance by scheduling time with your partner, you wouldn’t be reading this. For the rest of us with busy lives and hectic schedules, an exhausting Wednesday is easier to handle knowing that Thursday at 6pm we get a few hours with our best friend.

All that’s left is to actually be present with your partner during the focused time you have together. This, according to all voices heard in my less-than-scientific survey, is one of the hardest parts of any long-term relationship.
Dinner with kids at the table doesn’t count as real presence. Sitting on the couch while you both have laptops running in front of you doesn’t count either. In fact, most of the things we do as couples fall into the realm of proximity instead of true presence. A simple test (thanks, Sharon!) is to see if you need to get your partner’s attention before talking for them to hear what you say. If you do, they weren’t really there to begin with.

You’ll be tempted to use your regular time together as the time for you to angrily vent and argue. Don’t do it! This is your time to catch up with the person you love. If you can’t think of something wondrous and warm to say, chew on silence and just be. There’s something about focused presence with a loved one that helps troubles sink away just a bit. Make the most of your time together!

4. Agree On How To Argue
Sometime when you’re not even a little angry with each other, sit down and talk about how you fight. Then lay down some rules you both agree to follow during future arguments.

My grandma, shared three of her rules:
* Nobody leaves during an argument without saying where they’re going.
* Arguments that last longer than 3 days are obviously stupid and will not be allowed to continue.
* An argument will never mean that the relationship itself is in question.
Grandma’s final rule resonated with me because that’s something I work very hard to do in my own relationships. One of the most difficult but smartest things to say during an argument is, “I love you but I’m so pissed at you about/for/because [insert argument here].” Keeping the argument separate from the relationship status is key to getting things back on track. You could call it a shortcut through very dark woods.

5. Say You’re Sorry Every Day
Apologizing is a lot like learning a foreign language. The more you practice it in real-life situations, the better you become at it.

If you don’t do something worth saying sorry for every day, you’re either an angel or completely blind to your own inadequacy. You need not commit some great damage against your partner before saying you’re sorry. Just be yourself. In the course of being yourself you’ll say something without thinking, forget to pick up something from the store, or complain about your day without asking about your partner’s. You’re a master at making mistakes! =)

The more you ask for forgiveness, the easier it will be to admit to and gain forgiveness for all the things you do that might drive your partner away if not taken care of. Its never easy to swallow your pride and admit to screwing something up. But you need to do this and make a habit of it if you want to make your relationship the best it can possibly be.

There were many more tidbits and some hysterical stories shared but those 5 tips ranked highest on the list of useful bits of advice.

Letting go....

I like the concept of letting go. It’s mostly where I find joy, calm, peace and purpose. It’s so much easier than chasing. And so much more effective. Rather than chasing happiness, the Buddhist philosophy suggests that we simply choose to let go of that which makes us unhappy. The very notion of chasing something has a sense of urgency about it, doesn’t it? And, of course, with urgency comes anxiety. And with anxiety comes illness. And with illness comes unhappiness.

Maybe our gentle robe-wearing friends are on to something. Some people spend their lives chasing acceptance and approval. Perhaps it’s time for some of us to let go of the need to seek the acceptance, approval and even permission of others? Perhaps we’re good enough all by ourselves? Perhaps we should stop giving away our power? Perhaps in the letting go we’ll find the only acceptance we need: self-acceptance. Some will spend their lives chasing physical perfection. I have some expertise in this area. While it’s great to be in shape, it’s not great when our confidence, self-esteem and sense of self are dependant on our physical appearance.

Considering that we spend most of our lives in a slowly deteriorating physical shell, this pursuit is an exercise in frustration. This desire for physical perfection arises out of fear. Fear of not being pretty enough. Good enough. Desirable enough. And, of course, fear is at the root of unhappiness. Some will spend their lives chasing financial wealth, only to wake up one day and discover that all they’ve created is emotional and spiritual poverty. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being wealthy, except when that wealth defines us. If only we taught our kids (and ourselves) that being rich has nothing to do with money or material possessions. Some of us have spent years (and years) trying to ‘find’ ourselves.

Maybe it’s time to stop looking and simply let go of everything that isn’t us? When I let go of everything I am trying to do, be, create and own, there I am. And while I might do, be, create and own much in my life, I am none of those things and they are not me. I can’t be found in things. And neither can you.
What do you need to let go of?

Alice Springs

 

A loud announcement woke me in my seat after a surprisingly good sleep. It was followed by Belinda Carlisle's Heaven is a Place on Earth. Wow, what a great and inspired way to wake up and start the day! Immediately I felt happy and eager to go. I decided that when I inevitably get back to the nine to god knows when grind, I will invest in a alarm device with the ability to play Belinda Carlisle to make my day infinitely better.

An hour or so later, I pulled into Alice, and after waiting an age for our bags (in the rain,goddamnit) we piled into the Annie's Place transfer bus. That particular hostel was recommended to me by a girl who had travelled in Australia that I knew through one of my friends back home. It was a good call as well; we dropped our stuff in a colourful, clean room and chipped out to meet Alice.

Alice Springs was surprisingly spacious in volume, albeit with a definite smalltown feel. To give you an idea, it had roughly the same population as my friend hometown of Mersing about 25,000 populations. I can’t think of a small town but correct me if I’m wrong with the number. I pretty suck when comes to number.The only reason it appears on maps is that it's the only thing of any size in the whole of central Australia worth labelling!

The slightly crap mall did, however, finally give me the chance to buy an Aussie hat (and no, it didn't have corks dangling from it - but they did sell such hats, and an American woman actually bought one whilst I was in the shop... tourists, eh?). Ever since my first day in Noosa, I had been eyeing up the suede hats, but I could never find the style I liked in a size that would fit my egg-shaped bone. But that evening, I walked home proudly sporting a genuine Aussie-made bush hat.

My driving hadn't scared Dave (another backpacker from England I met in Sydney) away, and he was happy to travel with me again along with a Japanese traveller friend of his called Misato

He'd arranged to meet up with on The Ghan. The three of us were planning to head out into Australia's red centre to visit a big rock in the middle of nowhere. Those with dodgier knees reading this may know it as Ayer's Rock. Nowadays (and rightly so), it is referred to by its Aboriginal name it held for tens of thousands of years: Uluru.

Dave had spotted a great deal outside his hostel. To hire a car with all camping and cooking equipment included was only AU$110 a day: pennies between three. Snapping it up, within half an hour a car arrived, stocked to the nines with gear, delivered by the company owner, the larger-than-life Rosco. After a spot of shopping for more varieties of mustard, we were soon speeding away from civilisation and into the dry desert of central Australia. I continued to be blown away by the fact you can drive for an hour and encounter nothing. I put it down to coming from Malaysia, where we live on top of each other in comparison.

Uluru was nearly five hours away.

We got all excited when we saw a solitary rock formation spring up out of nowhere on the left. At first we thought it might be Uluru, but on closer examination of the map, it turned out to be the flat-topped mesa of Mount Connor. Impressive all the same, it looked as if it had been plucked right out of Arizona.

When Uluru did finally snake into view, it was an exhilarating sight. Slunk low and wide on the horizon, it darted elusively in and out of view as the road meandered left and right.

As the sun was getting low, we set out straight for the rock, pulling into the sunset viewing area and straight into a parking space. The rock was initially a bright orange (a shade I can only accurately describe as "Dale Winton"), but as the earth turned and left the sun behind, it changed to a deep, fiery red before fading to grey.

We lingered for a while in case it changed colour again - I was holding out for green with pink spots - but with the light fading, we raced to our campsite in the nearby resort of Yulara.

Unloading the car, we broke out our beds for the night: nothing less than four swags (as in. We set up the table and chairs, cracked open the wine and cooked dinner - rice and meat - no crisp sandwiches tonight, thank you very much! I was so snug, warm and content that night, and slept soundly with not a single multi-legged invader to disturb me. I did wake up once though, and I had to pinch myself to check it wasn't all a dream as I grinned and peered up at a blanket of stars somewhere near the red centre of Australia.

One might ask why a human would drive five hours into the Big Nothing to visit a Remarkable Pebble. The answer is because Uluru is breathtaking. A better question one might ask to study human nature is why, once here, tourists climb the rock, despite it being a sacred site to Aborigines and there being copious signs in all manner of languages stating how disrespectful it is to their culture for people to climb.

My name is Beach, Bondi Beach

 

King's Cross, where we were staying, was an odd area. As I previously mentioned, it had a cluster of backpacker-oriented places as well as a strip of, er, strip clubs. Then just a road away it had some posh bars and restaurants. Very odd. Still, it was conveniently located; we took the train two stops in the opposite direction this morning to arrive at Bondi junction, and took a connecting bus down to the world famous Bondi Beach.

Bondi was surprisingly pleasant. I was expecting it to be packed with bronzed posers with attitude, but the vibe was relaxed and unpretentious. The bay was too developed for my liking, with houses and high rises hugging its curve, but having such an undeniably clean and lovely beach so close to the centre must be a real draw for Sydney siders.

A very good friend told me once that I should try surfing and when I arrived to Bondi I quickly look for a surf shop and I picked up a course. Such an enjoyment I couldn’t believe I’m actually doing it in that freaking freeze cold water which was 19C. Soon after that 3 hours surfing the horizon I headed for some sun-tan. You need sunblock here!!!! I got myself badly burned which is not a very smart choice.

Over some fish 'n' chips and an ice cream/ gelato I back in the centre, I spotted a Krispy Kreme Donut store. Noriko (another backpacker I met along the way) had been told to mercilessly hunt one of these down by one of her friends, as apparently they made the best doughnuts ever. So we performed a taste test on a nearby park bench. Results: good, but not mindblowing. Further research has revealed that we tried the wrong doughnut: their masterpiece is apparently the original glazed.

The time had come for Noriko and I to part company this year. We'd travelled together for over 2 days, and had a great laugh doing so. We vowed to stay in touch, and both bitten by the travelbug, we promised to look for opportunities to travel together again in the future.

Next : I meeting Alice in Springs!!!

Stanly

Harbouring Criminals

Sydney, Australia
Have you ever woken up to discover that everyone else in the world has gone completely and utterly insane?

Well, I had one of those days today. I went for brekkie in Joe's Cafe close to the hostel. A pompous woman inside was busy being over the top and completely insane about everything. Even the old man who worked there, presumably Joe, seemed a bit half-baked (a bit like the breakfast he served).

The time had come to do n our sun-visors, socks with sandals, pull my belt up right under my arms and hang my camera round my neck. Tourist Time!

As the train pulled into Circular Quay, the doors opened to a large window showing the Harbour Bridge and Opera House beyond. Both sporting manic grins as I headed down the steps and into the melee.

 
As with Angkor Wat, I'd built the Opera House up in my mind to be a towering structure, so it seemed a bit smaller than I'd expected. But there was no being disappointed by its heavenly design and its premium position on the gorgeous natural harbour across from That Bridge What Had Fireworks On It Once or Twice?

Some of the tourist companies were asking an arm, leg and a didgeridoo for a harbour cruise, so penny-pinching me suggested me simply use my day ticket for a free ferry ride across to North Sydney on the other side.

I were afforded great views of the Bridge and Opera House, but on arriving I quickly concluded there was nothing much to see there apart from some houses (albeit multi-million dollar efforts with a harbour view). So I returned on the next boat to the Circular Quay for a jaunt down Pitt Street through the financial district, and watching the futuristic monorail zipping about between the buildings, I headed to Darling Harbour.

Darling Harbour looked gorgeous at night, with its boats moored in front of the towering buildings. It had been developed primarily as an entertainment plaza, with restaurants, bars and, my interest for the evening, an iMax cinema. I'd never been to an iMax before, and couldn't wait.

I plumped with the impressive sounding Avatar, and handed a pair of huge 3-D specs each. Fifties-tastic! I couldn't have been more wrong as the huge screen rolled, the soundtrack boomed out from all directions and the pictures looked so real I felt I could've reached out and touched them.

Stanly

Sydney!!!

Bloody hell!
Sydney,

This morning I would be in Sydney. You know, Harbour Bridge, Opera House, a place with as many opportunities as redback (the spider)... it held a certain magical status in my mind. Sometimes I have to check myself. I never dreamed I would make it out here.

But first I had to get there, chauffeured to the airport that morning by, you guessed it, yet another relaxed, intelligent and friendly Aussie driver. We discussed all sorts on the forty-minute drive to Avalon airport, and he even got in the odd friendly dig about the Bloody Poms.

"The only reason Australia should stay in the Commonwealth is because they win all the medals at the Commonwealth Games," he quipped.
"Aiseh," I sneezed in reply.

A little kid wailing his lungs out throughout marred the flight. Poor little bugger; someone's not going to grow up wanting to be a pilot, I thought.

I arrived at 9am, and the airport was pretty much deserted. All the shuttle buses had packed up for the morning, so we begrudgingly set out to the taxi stand. Luckily as I approached and bumped into a couple of Belgian Flemish backpackers going our way, so we all jumped in and took a short ride to our area of choice, King's Cross.

It was a cheap backpacker area, mainly because it doubled up as the red light district, but conveniently located within fifteen minutes' walk of the centre. We grabbed a place to lay our heads in the Germanic-sounding Eva's Backpackers and prepared ourselves for the delectable harbour sights we'd be seeing tomorrow.

Stanly

Getting Kilda by Tram

Melbourne, Australia

When I arrived in Melbourne, I found it incredibly disturbing to be sharing the same road with those metal thundering beasts known as trams, and find it a miracle I never parked the hire car into one if I hired one. To avoid such unhappy marriages they have a special maneuver called a 'hook turn'. Completely contradicting all driving logic

So I was far happier to appreciate the trams on foot and as a passenger. Melbourne transport is integrated, so a day ticket allowed me to travel any bus, tram or train within the central zones. I took a tram today down to St Kilda, Melbourne's seaside resort. It was a pleasant sunny day, although a blustery cold wind was whipping off the sea as I walked the beachfront and passed Luna Park, a delightful 50's-style theme park complete with rickety rollercoaster.

As I walking along the beach, someone actually approached me kite surfing. At first I was not so sure and keen to take it up but then since I’m here with my bermuda pants and rush-guard so might as well. My initial plan was just swimming

Kite surfing or kiteboarding is a surface water sport that uses the wind to pull a rider through the water on a small surfboard or a kiteboard (similar to a wakeboard). It’s different concept between the real surfing and kitesurfing. Generally kiteboarding refers to a style of riding known as freestyle or wake-style, whereas kitesurfing is more "wave-riding" oriented.

For 75 Australia dollars, you simply get yourself an instructor to teach you how to surf. Approx 20-30min then you can enjoy kitesurfing on your own for 2 hours. Believe me it’s not hard and it’s not that easy to control your kite as well and the water is freaking cold!!

That evening I met Clarkson, a friend that I met along the way after work and we went for a drink with his other second cousin, Sarah, who was studying Art. Cue many obvious gags about Art Festivals,
Art Galleries and so on. She was a highly switched-on girl and the conversation turned to talk of the interpretation and meaning of Art. In a lighter moment, Sarah told me I was a dead ringer for her ex-flat mate.

I kept with the routine of meeting up with Clarkson after he'd finished feigning work the next day. Every time he would ask me what joyous things, I had been up to. Every time I would sheepishly tell him "nothing". Many hours today were spent writing my scrawling.

This travel log really is a labor of love at times - I had all but abandoned work on it when I reached here 2 days ago - but I was clawing my way back.

Stanly

Our Deepest Fear

 

I am. Being is. The Way is not an intellectual understanding.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I frequently feel very jailed within this body/mind and karmically conditioned self. All through childhood, I’ve been rather alone whether I realized it or not. I vaguely recall a moment of staring at my cousins laughing and being silly, and I was thinking “I can’t talk with them, because they can’t talk with me.” They were too young and unconscious. However, this is still my projection of most people in this world. I take my conscious awareness so very seriously, but cannot seem to share in such consciousness, nor open aware presence with nearly anyone. I am often aware, but still longing for very deep intimate connection with a significant other. I want an aware and open exploration of relationship, like an improvisational dance for a lifetime. The choreography is all ours. Sadly, lamentably, none of my relationships have gotten this deep. They got scared, they don’t dance like that.
There’s a massive conscious/unconscious gap that most people don’t seem to even see. This isn’t much of an assumption either! This gap is the difference between being giddy after seeing a movie you just enjoyed in the theater and experiencing the radiant energetic presence during and after resting in alive, aware, spacious being in meditation. If you’ve experienced both, then you know that not only are they so very different experiences, they are also “not two!” So, herein lies the typically non-understandable aspect: non-dual being is all being. The energy of living is within all our lives at every moment. We’re already dancing through our lives. Let’s be with one another, let’s lay here together, why are we missing this vital connection?

When I have conversations with others, I easily get caught up in (attached with) the things, thoughts, and stuff. At work, I may be grumbling and annoyed by the stifled workflow or pressures of expectation piled onto the situations. At home, trying to return to peaceful presence by letting go of and attending to the pained and suffering bodily, emotional, and mental bodies, I am often alone. This is healing work that most people in my life don’t understand and can’t seem to embrace with acceptance and peace. Often, what I hear from others is some version of “why aren’t you responding or attending to me or my concerns?” Maybe I need to reply with “I am working on healing myself so that I may attend to you too with authentic care.”

Life isn’t so much about doing, but about truly being in our living. I say “our” because there isn’t any separation. I emphasize “being” over doing because everything is changing (and clinging to action/activity is no different than any other egotistic stronghold) . And I use the word “truly” because everything is naturally empty. When we’ve gapped from identified borrowed consciousness to spacious conscious awareness, then we are truly seeing. As Krishnamurti said, “the seeing is the doing.” You do change (immeasurable by “time”) when you’ve seen and continue practicing seeing. This is the subtle, yet profound difference between common consciousness and conscious awareness. So, “I am healing with awareness bathing me in the truth.” I am changing, which means I am more Wayward. May egocentric karmic conditioning recede and fade away.

Thank you for your presence in reading, in “being with,” as I like to say.

I watched the movie, “Coach Carter” last night. There is a great quote near the end of the movie. I found it online on a site that talks about the movie. But I wondered where the quote came from. I did some more searching and found that the quote is from a book by a lady named, Marianne Williamson. I have not read her book, but the quote is terrific!

The quote in the movie was very inspiring

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your life

• Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.
• 
• Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself it’s come.
•  

• Ease up on the internal life commentary. If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.
•  
• Take no notice of your inner critic. Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?
•  
• Give up on feeling guilty. Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.
• 
• Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.
•  
• Stop keeping score. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.
•  
• Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned. The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.
•  
• Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.
• 
• Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.

What if…

 

What if I forget the words when I stand up there? What if I go completely blank? What if I totally suck? What if I look or sound stupid?  What if they hate me? What if I’m not pretty enough? Cool enough? Smart enough? Qualified enough? Experienced enough? Talented enough? Thin enough? What if they see through my act? What if they discover what I’m really like? What if they find out about my issues? Or my history? What if the course is too difficult for me? What if I do what Craig suggests and it doesn’t work? Or what if it does work and then I lose motivation and focus? Surely I’m too old to start something new anyway? Or too inexperienced to establish my own business? Perhaps I’m past learning new things and developing new skills? Surely I won’t fit in, will I? What if I get all excited like I always do and then fail again? What if I disappoint people again? Hmm, perhaps I need a little more time to plan and think about this.

Which is code for “I’m too scared to do anything, so I’ll do nothing”.

Again.

Self doubt it’s a disease that doesn’t discriminate. It affects our mind, our emotions and even our physiology. It’s multi-dimensional and if you let it, it will destroy your opportunities, waste your potential, ruin your relationships, infect your thinking, crush your hope and at its worst, ruin your life. It’s not concerned with race, religion, age, skin colour, past achievements, social standing, sex, talent, IQ or bank balance and it knows where you live.

For many of us, self doubt comes knocking on our door every day. Sometimes it will give an apologetic, sorry-to-bother-you kind of tap, and on other occasions it will almost smash the door down with it’s incessant and violent banging. More often than not, it will arrive disguised as something much more noble like concern, logic or reason but in reality, it’s none of those things. It’s just fear in a different outfit. Self-doubt with a little make-up and a pretty dress. Don’t be fooled, she’s a bitch and despite the charade, she doesn’t care about you at all.

That’s all self doubt is by the way, one of the many faces of fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of public humiliation, fear of getting uncomfortable, fear of the unknown, fear of poverty, fear of isolation and even fear of success. Like all forms of fear, self-doubt is essentially self-created and perpetuated because it can only exist in our head. In order for it to survive, we must give it a place to live. And we do.

In the pursuit of our best life, our challenge is not to overcome self-doubt but rather, to manage it. To recognise it for what it is (a form of fear), to feel it, acknowledge it and then do what we need to do (to reach our goals), DESPITE it.

“Recognising, feeling and acknowledging self-doubt, does not mean being controlled or determined by it.”

Of course, over time we will find a way to turn down the volume (of the banging on the door), but a life totally devoid of self-doubt is an unrealistic goal. People who succeed (no matter what the endeavour) invariably find a way to do what they need to do, despite their self-doubt. They are aware of it and they are challenged by it, but they are not controlled or determined by it. Self doubt is universal and it is an unavoidable part of the human experience. For life. None of us are exempt. If you doubt yourself often, don’t feel weak or flawed, feel human. Feel alive. Feel normal. If self-doubt is a sign of weakness then I’m a big pussy.

The questions we should ask ourselves in relation to this chat are not:

“Do I ever experience self-doubt?”

But rather:

1. “What impact do I allow self-doubt to have on my decisions, behaviours and results?”

and…

2. “Do I manage it, or does it manage me?”

If you came here today looking for a solution, then walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror there’s your solution. Even if you don’t know it or feel like it, let me tell you that no book, blog, idea, program, CD, DVD or guru will change you. No, that’s your job. Those resources (that’s all they are) can stimulate, inspire, educate, challenge, provoke and encourage you, but only you can change your current reality and only you can build your best life. That’s why this my write up is not a solution but rather a humble resource.

Do what you need to and stop looking for the magic pill.

My breast tumours

By LUKE TEOH (TheStar)

A man recalls his traumatic experience of having growths in both breasts.

I RETURNED home from an extremely cold, wintry holiday in Melbourne in July. A few days later, I had some pain on my right breast. I thought nothing of it as I felt the pain might have been brought on due to a change of weather from the extreme cold in Melbourne to the stifling heat back home.

However, the pain persisted for a week, so I went to the doctor’s. The GP examined my breast and told me not to worry about it. He told me that a course of antibiotics would clear it off.

After the antibiotics had run its course, there was still the persistent, gnawing pain, but I continued to think nothing of it as it was bearable and I felt fine. I was able to continue playing tennis.

However, one evening when I web-searched the Internet for “pain in the breast of men”, two words, “cancer” and “carcinoma” came popping up frequently in my search. The words really struck fear in me. That really got me petrified and worried. I had a terrible, restless night.

Before Teoh underwent the operation.

The next day, I could not wait to go to another doctor where I knew the GP had a scanner. When he scanned my right breast, he said that there was a small growth in it. He further said that he did not like the look of the growth as it had cilia-like protuberances. He advised me that I should have a biopsy done by a surgeon. I immediately agreed to his advice as the terrifying words “cancer” and “carcinoma” popped in my mind, again.

The doctor measured the size of the mysterious growth on the monitor and then had the picture printed out. He then wrote out the referral letter to a surgeon and attached the picture on it.

I left the doctor in a state of shock. How could it happen to me? A man, with the possibility of having breast cancer? I imagined I had it already and felt like a dead man walking!

On reaching home, however, I began to go into a state of denial. I imagined that the cyst had shrunk and the pain was subsiding. I kept postponing going to the surgeon’s for the next three weeks. I was still able to play tennis but with a heavy load on my mind.

A day after the operation.

My moods began to fluctuate. One moment, I felt terrible, and the next, all right. One of my darkest moments occured when I searched the web for “breast cancer in men”. I came across this sentence: “Men usually ignore the early signs of breast cancer and leave it too late before seeking medical treatment”, which immediately got me scooting to the surgeon’s.

After waiting for some time with much trepidation at the surgeon’s, as there were a lot of patients, it was finally my turn to be seen by the specialist. He examined and then scanned my right breast.

Turning to me, he said, “I’d be worried if the growth is seen in a woman,” which gave me a bit of hope and I felt a tinge of relief.

He continued: “We better check the left breast, too.”

After doing the examination and scanning of the left breast, he said “There’ a smaller growth here. We’ll do a small-needle biopsy on the left breast and a large-needle one on the right. Could you wait outside while we prepare everything in the treatment room?”

Surprisingly, I was quite calm while I waited for the biopsies to be done, as the surgeon had given me the confidence that he knew what he was doing compared to the first GP I had consulted.

The procedure to extract a few pieces of the growth from my right breast was extremely painful. I had to grit my teeth and clench my hands tightly to the sides of the operating table to withstand the excruciating pain as the anaesthetic was being injected into my breast through the nipple each time. With tears in my eyes, I forced myself to see the liquid slowly spreading into the tumour on the monitor. Then the surgeon told me to turn away from the monitor as he did the actual apposition of the bits of the tumour for biopsy.

Everything was repeated with the left breast, too.

I was told to return for the result of the biopsies in five days. I came away from the surgeon’s feeling quite relaxed as the surgeon had a fantastic, reassuring bedside manner.

As I was being driven to the clinic on the appointed day for the result of the biopsies, I was extremely quiet as I felt I was leaving on a hearse for my funeral. When it was my turn to see the specialist at the surgeon’s, my walk into the consultation room felt like the steps of a condemned man walking to his execution.

A week after the operation.

I broke out in a cold sweat as I sat by the side of, and, then facing the surgeon. When he uttered the magical words, “Benign, non-maglignant”, I could feel relief and happiness instantly oozing through every part of my body and spontaneously, I could not help but grasp his left hand for bringing me the great, comforting news.

He then told me that the growths needed to be taken out. I readily agreed and I was scheduled to be operated on under general anaesthetics at a private hospital in a week’s time. I came from the surgeon’s feeling like a man being given a new lease of life. I felt like having been resurrected, rescued from sure-death.

A week later, I underwent the operation. I had a subcutaneous mastectomy done on me and I was discharged from the private hospital after a day-stay.

I received the histology report a few days’ later. It says: Trucut right benign. No other pathology or evidence of malignancy is seen. Bilateral gynaecomastia.

Well, it turned out that the first GP that I had consulted, was correct after all. He had said that there was nothing to be worried about.

However, from the onset of the problem, I was worried sick. I suffered bouts of depression and sudden short spells of weeping when I was alone. I told no one about the problem. Neither my wife nor my children knew anything about it at the beginning. I did not wish them to suffer my pain as my wife had first endured the suffering and eventual death of her mother from breast cancer and then later saw her step-mother suffering the same fate, too. I decided to tell my loved ones only after the result of the biopsies was known.

However, I wrote about it, but in the third person, and emailed to my email groups. I found that by doing it this way – telling the whole world in cyberspace – anonymously in the third person – had been rather cathartic to me. I was comforted when a few members of my e-groups wrote in to comfort or offer prayers for “my friend” who was suffering pain.

After removal of the bandages

Unfortunately, one of my e-group members from Canada told my elder daughter about my impending operation. She immediately phoned frantically home but I was out. She got her mother, instead, who knew practically nothing about it as I had decided earlier only to tell her everything only after the operation.

I got a real shelling from my wife for keeping quiet when I returned home. I immediately pacified and reassurred her. I told her to keep mum about it to her brother and her younger sister as I would wait two days before the operation to tell them about it. I did not want them to worry and come rushing home.

I am relieved and thank the Lord for helping me survive this terrible problem. I was most fortunate to have found a great surgeon who gave me peace of mind while I was being treated. I am thankful to my email friends who knew about “my friend’s problem” for their prayers and good wishes for a speedy recovery.

I feel blessed to have a strong, supportive wife and three wonderful, filial children. I am humbled by the traumatic experience and am now able to look at life with a better and clearer perspective.

The experience has made me stronger and more caring.

I was totally and completely traumatised by the experience. I felt stigmatised as I imagined I was a possible sufferer of an ailment mostly suffered by women. The stigma of having breast cancer haunted me for more than two months.

I can now tell the whole world as I am now alright.