Blame your parents!

I was talking to a friend from London last night. She is one of the many victims of child abuse but somehow I really tired of her complains and stories. I know it is rude in away to shut her but firstly let me say, stop it.

It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… very annoying.

To be completely honest, I am sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem. I am also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behaviour on your parents. What is standing between you and success right now is YOU. Not your folks, not your history, but it is you. And the fact that you think THEY have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current) stupid behaviours and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial, immaturity and delusion.

Yes, I get that your childhood, or parts thereof, sucked - welcome to the world’s largest club.

I also get that your old man was periodically a completely insensitive, uncommunicative bastard at times. Sadly, that’s what (many) fathers do. And yep, I know that your mother was a selfish cow that time when you were in high school, it happens.

Okay, let’s be honest and blunt… some parents are crap. And yes, many of us have been hurt -physically, emotionally and/or psychologically - by our parents. I am not suggesting that you deny your past, but I am suggesting that you don’t live there. It’ll kill you. In ten different ways. Some people have been inhabiting the seventies and eighties and re-visiting their childhood for the last few decades.

No matter how much you think your parents deserve your anger, vitriol and resentment, I’m telling you
1. it serves no positive purpose
2. it will hurt you more than them
3. stop being a big, immature, stupid baby and
4. you and only you, are responsible for your current reality - no matter what your parents have or haven’t done to you, or for you.

Even though you may have a very good ‘reason’ to be eternally pissed at your folks, I’m saying let it go anyway. Move on. And it’s not about what they do or don’t deserve; it’s about what you deserve. If you want to destroy your potential, your enthusiasm, your optimism and your hope, then become a chronic parent blamer. Hang on to that hurt, no matter what!

Or you could let me save you some serious time and pain and just believe me when I tell you that being a parent blamer is a pointless, destructive, pathetic waste of your potential and emotional energy.



And if you’re not careful, a waste of your life. It will destroy you from the inside out. It’s true; some people will die angry, bitter, resentful and tortured souls because they never found a way to let go of the self-perpetuated - yep, read that clearly, self-perpetuated - misery. When you’re still desperately holding on to emotional crap from years ago, it’s YOU that’s the problem. When you’re twenty five, thirty five or fifty five and you’re still thinking, talking and behaving like a teenager who’s mad at their parents, you need a big reality check.

The only thing you can change about the past, is how you let it affect you now.

You may wanna read that again.

People who have blamed their parents for everything from their poor communication skills, dysfunctional relationships, destructive habits and violent behaviours, to their fat body and poor eating habits are stupid!. What!!! Do you not have a brain in your head? Are you incapable of independent thought? Can you not make your own decisions, choose your own behaviours and be responsible for your own existence? Surely you feed yourself these days? Surely you have some control over what comes out of your mouth? And surely you can choose to do, be and create different in your world.

Let me say that I totally understand that your parents weren’t always what they should or could have been for you as a child (caring, supportive, forgiving, understanding, loving, available, guiding, honest). You have my sympathy and understanding but you’re not alone. You’re in a very large majority. The problem with parents is that they’re flawed and that whole ‘being human’ thing kind of gets in the way of parental perfection. If only parents were cyborgs.

Sometimes the vitriol, the anger, the resentment and dare I say, the absolute hatred, that people hang on to (for decades) amazes and saddens me.

The parental blame game is a slippery slope of self-pity, self-destruction and futility that’s played by far too many people to their own detriment. It’s a game you’re advised to avoid.

I hope this letter finds you well,
Stanly

They Are Living Treasures

Senior citizens have always fascinated and charmed me. Since I was a small boy, I have always loved hearing their stories about the world and how things used to be. I have found that the older the person is, the more wonderful the stories they tell. I wonder why young people today don’t seem to care much about the thinking of the elderly. How could anyone who has survived to a ripe old age after the disasters of the 20th Century – not have some real gems of wisdom to tell.

My father’s father died long before I was born. I believe he was chocked and I’m glad that my father’s mother still alive and living with us today. I have seen pictures of my grandfather pretty much looks like the same like my father. I wish I could have met and talked to him at least once.

As a boy and even as a teenager, I easily made friends with senior citizens. I suppose it was because I was brought up in a strict household that taught us to respect people and to show deference to them. It could also be because I was not popular at all in high school and was considered a geek by my peers. When I did meet my friend’s parents, grandparents or other elderly folks, I knew what they were talking about if those folks enjoyed talking politics, history or were interested in other geeky things Ham radio for instance. I guess those folks might have appreciated it when I addressed them as "Sir" or "Ma’am" as opposed to when those same girlfriends brought home their other courtiers and those guys would greet the adults with a, "Dude!" or grunt language. (Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do… I went to high school with a lot of surfers and stoners.)

During my recent hospital stay I was placed into a room with four other senior gentlemen; the youngest being 65 and the oldest 85. That was very good for me. I’d much rather enjoy the conversation with temporary roommates than to watch TV. At least I could learn something from these old gentlemen. These old guys had many good stories to tell and I had all the time in the world to listen. I wasn’t going anywhere. Let’s face it, when you are in the hospital for a while, no one really wants to come and visit you; and if they do, they want to leave immediately. That’s fair enough, I suppose. Hospitals are not the most exciting places to visit nor are they the safest. I didn’t have many visitors. Talking with them and observing the sadness of the human condition was also a big reason why I realized that I needed no revenge for what had hospitalized me.

I spent time with these good old folks and shared many stories about many things. As was my past experience with senior citizens, I found all these gentlemen extremely interesting people to talk to and full of wise words of advice and points to ponder. It was through talking to them that I realized that I should be thankful to still be alive after my mishap and that, hopefully, I still had many more years to look forward to. They helped me to realize that living a life full of vengeance and guilt is no way to enjoy life.

In Japan, as with many other countries in Asia, especially Buddhist countries, being old means being wise. In fact the elderly are celebrated once a year in Japan with a holiday called Keirou no hi (Respect for the Aged Day). I believe that Japan is the only country in the world that has a national holiday dedicated to senior citizens.

I also believe that one of the biggest problems with America today is the lack of respect people show for each other and especially for their elders. There is no amount of government legislation that will ever begin to fix this problem. This problem is one that can only be addressed by each and every one of us as individuals and as a family. The elderly have so much to share with each and every one of us that it’s a shame and a waste for younger people not to take advantage of the knowledge and wisdom that their elder relatives can share.

Do yourself and your kids a favor, visit or call your elderly relatives soon and make sure to tell them that you love them. Or, if you don’t happen to be close to them, how about visiting a local Senior Citizen’s home? Show reverence and respect to the aged in your daily lives and you will be more than rewarded. Talking to these people will help you to understand the lives they have led and to respect the many contributions they have made to society. This, in turn, will help you to give pause and reflect on what is really important in this world and what you need to do to live a better, more rewarding, and more fulfilling life.

My short time in the hospital helped me to open my eyes more. I appreciate that I was able to share a short time with the elderly witnessing the sorrow and joys of the human condition.

It is a good thing to get to know the aged, to hear their stories about living and life, and to respect them as real people.