10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your life

• Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.
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• Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself it’s come.
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• Ease up on the internal life commentary. If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.
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• Take no notice of your inner critic. Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?
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• Give up on feeling guilty. Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.
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• Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.
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• Stop keeping score. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.
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• Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned. The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.
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• Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.
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• Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.

What if…

 

What if I forget the words when I stand up there? What if I go completely blank? What if I totally suck? What if I look or sound stupid?  What if they hate me? What if I’m not pretty enough? Cool enough? Smart enough? Qualified enough? Experienced enough? Talented enough? Thin enough? What if they see through my act? What if they discover what I’m really like? What if they find out about my issues? Or my history? What if the course is too difficult for me? What if I do what Craig suggests and it doesn’t work? Or what if it does work and then I lose motivation and focus? Surely I’m too old to start something new anyway? Or too inexperienced to establish my own business? Perhaps I’m past learning new things and developing new skills? Surely I won’t fit in, will I? What if I get all excited like I always do and then fail again? What if I disappoint people again? Hmm, perhaps I need a little more time to plan and think about this.

Which is code for “I’m too scared to do anything, so I’ll do nothing”.

Again.

Self doubt it’s a disease that doesn’t discriminate. It affects our mind, our emotions and even our physiology. It’s multi-dimensional and if you let it, it will destroy your opportunities, waste your potential, ruin your relationships, infect your thinking, crush your hope and at its worst, ruin your life. It’s not concerned with race, religion, age, skin colour, past achievements, social standing, sex, talent, IQ or bank balance and it knows where you live.

For many of us, self doubt comes knocking on our door every day. Sometimes it will give an apologetic, sorry-to-bother-you kind of tap, and on other occasions it will almost smash the door down with it’s incessant and violent banging. More often than not, it will arrive disguised as something much more noble like concern, logic or reason but in reality, it’s none of those things. It’s just fear in a different outfit. Self-doubt with a little make-up and a pretty dress. Don’t be fooled, she’s a bitch and despite the charade, she doesn’t care about you at all.

That’s all self doubt is by the way, one of the many faces of fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of public humiliation, fear of getting uncomfortable, fear of the unknown, fear of poverty, fear of isolation and even fear of success. Like all forms of fear, self-doubt is essentially self-created and perpetuated because it can only exist in our head. In order for it to survive, we must give it a place to live. And we do.

In the pursuit of our best life, our challenge is not to overcome self-doubt but rather, to manage it. To recognise it for what it is (a form of fear), to feel it, acknowledge it and then do what we need to do (to reach our goals), DESPITE it.

“Recognising, feeling and acknowledging self-doubt, does not mean being controlled or determined by it.”

Of course, over time we will find a way to turn down the volume (of the banging on the door), but a life totally devoid of self-doubt is an unrealistic goal. People who succeed (no matter what the endeavour) invariably find a way to do what they need to do, despite their self-doubt. They are aware of it and they are challenged by it, but they are not controlled or determined by it. Self doubt is universal and it is an unavoidable part of the human experience. For life. None of us are exempt. If you doubt yourself often, don’t feel weak or flawed, feel human. Feel alive. Feel normal. If self-doubt is a sign of weakness then I’m a big pussy.

The questions we should ask ourselves in relation to this chat are not:

“Do I ever experience self-doubt?”

But rather:

1. “What impact do I allow self-doubt to have on my decisions, behaviours and results?”

and…

2. “Do I manage it, or does it manage me?”

If you came here today looking for a solution, then walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror there’s your solution. Even if you don’t know it or feel like it, let me tell you that no book, blog, idea, program, CD, DVD or guru will change you. No, that’s your job. Those resources (that’s all they are) can stimulate, inspire, educate, challenge, provoke and encourage you, but only you can change your current reality and only you can build your best life. That’s why this my write up is not a solution but rather a humble resource.

Do what you need to and stop looking for the magic pill.

My breast tumours

By LUKE TEOH (TheStar)

A man recalls his traumatic experience of having growths in both breasts.

I RETURNED home from an extremely cold, wintry holiday in Melbourne in July. A few days later, I had some pain on my right breast. I thought nothing of it as I felt the pain might have been brought on due to a change of weather from the extreme cold in Melbourne to the stifling heat back home.

However, the pain persisted for a week, so I went to the doctor’s. The GP examined my breast and told me not to worry about it. He told me that a course of antibiotics would clear it off.

After the antibiotics had run its course, there was still the persistent, gnawing pain, but I continued to think nothing of it as it was bearable and I felt fine. I was able to continue playing tennis.

However, one evening when I web-searched the Internet for “pain in the breast of men”, two words, “cancer” and “carcinoma” came popping up frequently in my search. The words really struck fear in me. That really got me petrified and worried. I had a terrible, restless night.

Before Teoh underwent the operation.

The next day, I could not wait to go to another doctor where I knew the GP had a scanner. When he scanned my right breast, he said that there was a small growth in it. He further said that he did not like the look of the growth as it had cilia-like protuberances. He advised me that I should have a biopsy done by a surgeon. I immediately agreed to his advice as the terrifying words “cancer” and “carcinoma” popped in my mind, again.

The doctor measured the size of the mysterious growth on the monitor and then had the picture printed out. He then wrote out the referral letter to a surgeon and attached the picture on it.

I left the doctor in a state of shock. How could it happen to me? A man, with the possibility of having breast cancer? I imagined I had it already and felt like a dead man walking!

On reaching home, however, I began to go into a state of denial. I imagined that the cyst had shrunk and the pain was subsiding. I kept postponing going to the surgeon’s for the next three weeks. I was still able to play tennis but with a heavy load on my mind.

A day after the operation.

My moods began to fluctuate. One moment, I felt terrible, and the next, all right. One of my darkest moments occured when I searched the web for “breast cancer in men”. I came across this sentence: “Men usually ignore the early signs of breast cancer and leave it too late before seeking medical treatment”, which immediately got me scooting to the surgeon’s.

After waiting for some time with much trepidation at the surgeon’s, as there were a lot of patients, it was finally my turn to be seen by the specialist. He examined and then scanned my right breast.

Turning to me, he said, “I’d be worried if the growth is seen in a woman,” which gave me a bit of hope and I felt a tinge of relief.

He continued: “We better check the left breast, too.”

After doing the examination and scanning of the left breast, he said “There’ a smaller growth here. We’ll do a small-needle biopsy on the left breast and a large-needle one on the right. Could you wait outside while we prepare everything in the treatment room?”

Surprisingly, I was quite calm while I waited for the biopsies to be done, as the surgeon had given me the confidence that he knew what he was doing compared to the first GP I had consulted.

The procedure to extract a few pieces of the growth from my right breast was extremely painful. I had to grit my teeth and clench my hands tightly to the sides of the operating table to withstand the excruciating pain as the anaesthetic was being injected into my breast through the nipple each time. With tears in my eyes, I forced myself to see the liquid slowly spreading into the tumour on the monitor. Then the surgeon told me to turn away from the monitor as he did the actual apposition of the bits of the tumour for biopsy.

Everything was repeated with the left breast, too.

I was told to return for the result of the biopsies in five days. I came away from the surgeon’s feeling quite relaxed as the surgeon had a fantastic, reassuring bedside manner.

As I was being driven to the clinic on the appointed day for the result of the biopsies, I was extremely quiet as I felt I was leaving on a hearse for my funeral. When it was my turn to see the specialist at the surgeon’s, my walk into the consultation room felt like the steps of a condemned man walking to his execution.

A week after the operation.

I broke out in a cold sweat as I sat by the side of, and, then facing the surgeon. When he uttered the magical words, “Benign, non-maglignant”, I could feel relief and happiness instantly oozing through every part of my body and spontaneously, I could not help but grasp his left hand for bringing me the great, comforting news.

He then told me that the growths needed to be taken out. I readily agreed and I was scheduled to be operated on under general anaesthetics at a private hospital in a week’s time. I came from the surgeon’s feeling like a man being given a new lease of life. I felt like having been resurrected, rescued from sure-death.

A week later, I underwent the operation. I had a subcutaneous mastectomy done on me and I was discharged from the private hospital after a day-stay.

I received the histology report a few days’ later. It says: Trucut right benign. No other pathology or evidence of malignancy is seen. Bilateral gynaecomastia.

Well, it turned out that the first GP that I had consulted, was correct after all. He had said that there was nothing to be worried about.

However, from the onset of the problem, I was worried sick. I suffered bouts of depression and sudden short spells of weeping when I was alone. I told no one about the problem. Neither my wife nor my children knew anything about it at the beginning. I did not wish them to suffer my pain as my wife had first endured the suffering and eventual death of her mother from breast cancer and then later saw her step-mother suffering the same fate, too. I decided to tell my loved ones only after the result of the biopsies was known.

However, I wrote about it, but in the third person, and emailed to my email groups. I found that by doing it this way – telling the whole world in cyberspace – anonymously in the third person – had been rather cathartic to me. I was comforted when a few members of my e-groups wrote in to comfort or offer prayers for “my friend” who was suffering pain.

After removal of the bandages

Unfortunately, one of my e-group members from Canada told my elder daughter about my impending operation. She immediately phoned frantically home but I was out. She got her mother, instead, who knew practically nothing about it as I had decided earlier only to tell her everything only after the operation.

I got a real shelling from my wife for keeping quiet when I returned home. I immediately pacified and reassurred her. I told her to keep mum about it to her brother and her younger sister as I would wait two days before the operation to tell them about it. I did not want them to worry and come rushing home.

I am relieved and thank the Lord for helping me survive this terrible problem. I was most fortunate to have found a great surgeon who gave me peace of mind while I was being treated. I am thankful to my email friends who knew about “my friend’s problem” for their prayers and good wishes for a speedy recovery.

I feel blessed to have a strong, supportive wife and three wonderful, filial children. I am humbled by the traumatic experience and am now able to look at life with a better and clearer perspective.

The experience has made me stronger and more caring.

I was totally and completely traumatised by the experience. I felt stigmatised as I imagined I was a possible sufferer of an ailment mostly suffered by women. The stigma of having breast cancer haunted me for more than two months.

I can now tell the whole world as I am now alright.

My breast tumours

My breast tumours

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Love when you are ready not when you are lonely

If you search how to date a women/men in google.com or yahoo.com, you probably end up with million of results over the net. No I’m not teaching you how to date a mate but I think these are the points which I think is important to be precaution with after I spoke to Mary (my crime partner/my ex girlfriend in Phuket when I’m diving there) many years back about an hour ago. Yes, she suffering from another breakup but it is because of one of those silly mistake many of us did before or going to.

A lot has been written about dating, some people rally enjoying dating but for many, dating seems like a horrific trauma. Consider how many people stay in unsatisfying or even outright bad relationship because they are even more terrified by the prospect of being “out there” again.

Dating can be chore because it seems so far removed from real life. But I wonder if there aren’t some everyday lessons we can learn from dating. Maybe its not that dating is different from the rest of our lives but that it’s an intensified version of our day to day lives.

We work hard on a date to put our best self forward but wouldn’t it be nice to put our best self forward throughout the course of our lives? Maybe instead of rejecting that persona, we should embrace it? And maybe, just maybe, if we were used to being our best selves all the time, dating wouldn’t be such a chore, either we’d just show up and be awesome.

1. Dress counts.
We all want to be appreciated for who we are, not what we wear, but unfortunately, what we wear often determines whether or not anyone will take time to know who we are. You wouldn’t dream of showing up for a date in torn sweats and a dirty shirt – but I’ve seen people show up for job interviews in similar outfits! Unless you need specialized clothing – a uniform for work, grungy clothes for helping a friend paint a house, etc. dressing like you’re on your way to a first date means you’ll always put your best face forward.

2. Listen more, talk less.
On a date, being fascinated with what your partner is saying is the best way to make them feel good about themselves – and about you. Asking questions and really paying attention is a great way to demonstrate that you value the person you’re dating. It’s also a great way to show people you aren’t dating that you value them – and to make sure you’re as well-informed as you need to be.

3. Don’t be too needy.
“Desperation,” says a character in the movie Singles, “is the worst perfume.” Spend a date leering or pawing at your date, or explaining how very, very, very, very lonely you are is a sure way to get the brush-off. Nobody likes a loser, and that’s exactly how you come off – winners date people they’re totally into, not whoever will have them. This is true throughout our lives as well – lots of people have noticed how much easier it is to get a job when you already have one (and it’s said that the best job interview is the one you come to straight from work) than when you’re down to plucking couch-cushion change for macaroni money. Of course, you have needs – everyone does – but you can get a lot farther in life making it clear to everyone that you’re driven by your passions and talents, not your needs.

4. Be decisive.
Partners of both sexes like to see their dates make decisions quickly and effectively – it lifts the burden from them, and it shows a confidence that most find attractive. Unfortunately, we often think it’s nice to offer our date a bunch of choices to pick from, thinking that it shows we respect their wishes, when what it really does is throw them into decision paralysis – and increase their anxiety because they’re suddenly fumbling and looking bad in front of you. In life, as in dating, making decisions quickly and firmly, while respecting other is input, is a sure sign of leadership. Even bad decisions made boldly often turn out to be better than good decisions made hesitantly.

5. Smile a lot.
This is extremely important. People like people who smile. More than that, there is a lot of evidence that the physical act of smiling actually triggers changes in our brain chemistry that make us happier. On a date, that means less stressed, more confident, and more attractive to our partner. In life, that means the same thing – even when we are not perfectly comfortable, a big smile conveys to others that we are, and often gives us the boost we need to actually become more comfortable.

Do you like the thought of becoming a native somewhere other than your country of birth? Work abroad for a while and that’s exactly what you will do. You get to explore the city that you been dying to work with and to learn their fascinating culture they have, but some how or rather this morning I saw something that annoyed me. I saw with my own eyes that a man was BEATING his wife on the street. Too many people and me will think that his act was unacceptable but to certain peoples they just don’t care.

So, what is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is abuse that happens in a personal relationship. It can happen between pass of current partner, spouses, or boyfriends and girlfriends and even parents and children. It affects men and woman of any ethnic group, race, or religion wheatear you are gay or straight, rich or poor, in your teenage, adult, or elderly. Nevertheless, most of its victims are women. In fact I believe 1 in 4 women will be a victim at some point.



Abuser may use fear, bullying and threats to gain power and control over the victim. He or she may act jealousy, over controlling and possessive. These are early signs of abuse may happen soon after the start of the relationship and might be hard to notice at first.

Soon after the relationship becomes more serious, the abuse may get worse. One type of domestic abuse involves hurtful physical acts that include pinching, slapping, beating, kicking, punching, pulling of the hair, and the actual use of weapons. These weapons can include but are not limited to knifes, guns, belts, bats, vehicles, cigarettes or lighters, curling irons, hammers, tire irons or gardening tools.

Another type of abuse is sexual in nature. A few examples of sexual abuse include rape, forced or coerced sexual acts, incest, molestation, fondling, forced viewing or participation of pornography, sexual jokes and even insults concerning the victim’s sexuality or performance. But..


The hardest abuse to prove is that of a psychological nature. The intentional degradation of self-esteem by insults or belittling conduct as well as excessive limitations or control over another person’s behavior, financial freedom, or interaction with others.



With this, it will form of emotional abuse that is sometimes used to make a person feel bad, guilty or weak. It is sad but in reality these abusive are actually happening in our society today. Domestic violence and abuse knows no boundaries as far as race, religion, age, sex, geographic location, sexual orientation, or financial and social standing. Parents abuse children, children abuse elderly parents, husbands or lovers abuse women and yes, women abuse men and other women.

Men and women who have stayed with a violently abusive partner are often asked why they stayed. Some of the most common answers are “for the sake of their children,” “religious beliefs or fear of excommunication,” and the “fear that the abuser will come looking for them to kill them.”

In the past, all types of domestic abuse was quietly swept under the rug and ignored by society. Thankfully the attitudes of the general public and the legal systems are changing, I hope!.

Many cities around the world have battered women’s shelters to give temporary haven to the abused women and children. These places usually have a security system set up, counseling services, aid for job placement, as well as legal resources and information.

These halfway houses or shelters are not a long-term solution though. Many limit the days you can stay in the complex as well as the allowed age of minor male children and while they will aid you in getting away from your abuser, it is ultimately up to you as to what is eventually done.

Only you can decide to take the drastic step and get out of the situation. It will also be up to you as to whether charges are actually pressed against the perpetrator since it is highly unlikely the Attorney will see his way to prosecute when the victim has decided it isn’t what she or he wants.

It takes a great deal of courage for a victim of domestic abuse to step forward and make a conscious decision to take a stand against a violent spouse or lover. It takes even more to stand before a judge and tell the story of the abuse while wondering how you will be able to keep a home and food available for yourself and children.

In the end though, those who take that first step towards becoming a survivor instead of a victim will hopefully find a life filled with hope and promise instead of one of constant fear and pain.

I hope that woman I met this morning is doing fine by now.

Stanly

Stay young at heart.....

Nobody really likes getting older. But, to think of ageing purely as a physical process is to miss the importance of our mental outlook. If we want we can easily remain young at heart – whatever our age.

Sometimes we see someone in his twenties and already he is grumbling like an old man. But, at the same time we see someone in their 70s and they have the life and attitude of a young child. To remain young at heart and forgetful of our outer age is a real blessing which enables us to enjoy life whatever our advancing age may be.

My Secrets to Remaining Young at heart

Spend Time With Children.
Children enjoy life from the heart. To see a child’s smile uplifts even the hardest heart. If we spend time with serious old people we will feel a serious old person too.

Don’t Identify your Self with Your Physical Age.
Everyday we look in the mirror and gain the habit of identifying our sense of self with the body. Thus when we see grey hairs and rinkles appearing we feel older – because our body is becoming older. But to remain young in heart and mind, our physical appearance is an irrelevance. We need to break the link between our physical condition and state of mind. We try to keep the body healthy. But, our sense of self should never be dictated by the number of summers this body has seen.

Be Spontaneous.
A childlike attitude is spontaneous and free. A child can take joy in simple things because it is not mentally creating a 5 year plan to buy a new TV. Try to listen to your heart and do things which give you innocent pleasure. Spend less time thinking and more time living in the present moment.

Don’t Spend Time Picking Faults,When we criticise others,
We do not go forward.,We just go backward,
To our greatest shock.

It is complaining and grumbling which really gives us a feeling of being old and weary. Unfortunately, as we get older we get into a mental habit of finding fault and criticising the innumerable problems of the world. It is this tendency to be critical which really gives us an ageing outlook. A critical attitude has an impact upon ourselves. It is we who become negative, yet, of course, our criticisms never improve the world.

Be Active
If we are active we don’t have time to get depressed about our old age. Compete with yourself and not others and get joy from transcending your own goals.

Stop Being Guilt of Your Age
I know many people close to me, who really feel bad if you ask them how old they are. They tell their age with such reluctance – as if they had just been diagnosed with some serious illness. Be proud to have more experience and more years under your belt. Becoming older in age is nothing to feel bad about.

by 1979°